The impossibility of everything- random thoughts

(jotted down into my notepad while havin a veggie korma in rusholme- my treat for the fags that I am not gonna smoke later. *thought- if I said that in the Bronx, would someone assume I had just chosen not to shoot some homosexuals?’*

‘Yeah, I’m a badass, I’m gonna go smoke some fags! I’m gonna pop a cap in your ass!’

*Thought- if I said that at Eton, would someone assume I wished to do something inappropriate with casual headgear? Who knows what they get up to…*

‘Get on with it, dbm!’

Well, I did say it was gonna be random.

Is all this just an experimental anomaly in God’s petri dish?

“In the beginning was the word, & the word was with God, and the Word was God. And God sez, ‘let there be light,’ and there was light. & God saw that it was good.

‘Awesome! High-five! Oh, I haven’t created any beings yet…’ (Genesis, somewhere or other)

That’s God kicking things off there, with a (big) bang…

But pray, when is the grand finale scheduled for? ‘Cos it’s been draggin on for a whole long time now. Has God started something He couldn’t finish? Is God actually Morrissey? ‘The son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar’? That might explain why He only seems to reveal Himself to the odd lone nutter out in the desert… oh, and Jesus of course, who is in any case, his son.

Of course, God isn’t actually male. Being Oneness, being all things, clearly S/He (from now on replaced by Ze) would have the perfect balance of male and female energies. Which is why mainstream Christianity is such contradictory hogwash. The scriptures have been tampered with again and again, to support the agenda of the ruling elite and the patriarchal system. But I don’t say that to my Christian friends…

‘I ain’t goin’ back down there dad- look what they did to me last time!’

I just had this feeling that ‘God’ is giggling over my shoulder at my ridiculous meanderings- like an ant goin’ up to an elephant and sayin, ‘look at me! I’m really important!’

And the thought occurs- all this exists, all this is happening purely for God’s entertainment. We are all just Hir show…

Why do you crash planets into other planets for yr own amusement?

Oh, I think I know- the cosmic joke- thinking that anything matters…

There is no batter called 'matter,' and it doesn’t matter!

‘deadbee is an unfunny loon.’- nothingnegated (a troll on the messageboard where this was originally posted.)

No, a funny loon, I think. This stuff kills at the annual general gathering of quantum physicists… Stephen Hawking’s literally wetting himself… you should see it…

(I can't finish this korma. I think I have shrunk my stomach through not eating.)

spamusement!

we here at the dead bee museum really like www.spamusement.com-
"Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"

these are funny... for example, the title of this picture is
"Make Your C*ck A Hammer"

an amusing story about McDonalds

(other burger joints are available... and they're better!
nyer nyer nyer nyer- take that, Ronald McDonald!)

I went in McDonalds in asda the other day. I had just
bought some veggie curry from the store, and needed a
culinary device to help me eat it, whilst sitting
in a field enjoying the sun (my idea of a picnic.)

So I sez to the girl behind the counter, ‘could I have
a spoon, please?’

And she sez, ‘sorry, it’s policy not to give them out
if you haven’t bought anything.’

So I sez, ‘oh’

an I left in a huff.

And then, after ten minutes of swearing,
‘feck McDonalds! feck McDonalds! I am gonna start
like, a million threads on teh internet telling people
not to eat there!’ to myself, the perfect retort suddenly
came to me out of nowhere,
‘I suppose a fork’s out of the question?!’

Bah!

handshakes

I was thinking today about handshakes. it's hard to know what to do these days. in the olden days, there was just the one, and maybe two if you were a mason. you knew what you were gonna get. oh, there was also a third- the politician's handshake, where you use both hands. (this is to decrease the pressure of the other person's squeeze for somebody who has to shake a lot of hands for a living)

these days, you don't know if somebody's gonna want to just bump fists, grab your thumb, do the normal one, or some funky-assed shit involving changes in grip, pressure, height and maybe a high-five on the end... it's mad. half the time, I end up punching someone's thumb. which I guess is like the social equivalent of winning at 'paper, scissors, stone.'

(looking at the shape of these two paragraphs now, they look brilliant- they're almost perfectly balanced)

shrugathon

for the last 8 hours, I've been engaging in a 24-hour shrugathon.

since I started the shrugathon, I noticed a few things… one, it’s good shoulder exercise (‘really deadbee?’ *shrug* “dunno…”)

two, it’s difficult to keep up- the various combinations of hand gestures, shoulder movements and facial expressions quickly becomes boring… (‘is that right?’ *shrug* “search me…”)

three- you look weird doin your shopping in asda… (‘are you sure bout that, deadbee?’ *shrug* “I ‘aven’t got a Scooby…”)

my mate Jonathon used to be pissed off that his name meant a sponsored sitting on the lavatory… I must go see Jon, he’s the most interesting guy I know. If I have a good idea, it usually turns out that I’ve subconsciously stolen it off him…

ASDA- clear shopping bags

Why’ve they done that?! I don’t want everyone knowing I’ve just bought toilet paper, extra-strength pile ointment and ‘special brew.’ >:( (I use that just as an example. I didn’t buy those things. Just the extra-strength pile ointment. No!)

Also I feel like a walking advert for ‘food’- “look at that chap over there- he’s got… ‘food’! I think I might try some of that ‘food’ stuff myself- looks like a right old wheeze!”

So was just thinking this while walking home with my shopping (don’t ask) and literally 3 minutes later this guy comes up to me- black guy, smart suit jacket and a colourful shirt.

He sez, ‘where d’you get those oranges- asda?’

I’m like, ‘yeh.’

‘How come you got so many- they on offer?’

‘No, I just like oranges. I ‘ave ‘em for breakfast’

‘Hey mate, could I maybe have one?’

‘Yeah, sure man’ (I hand the guy an orange from my bag)

*thinks* ‘Great. Now I’m a walking delicatessen.’

The hottest April since records began? (in UK)

Great. In a few more years, we’ll all be toastin on gas mark 5…

There’s a back-story to this. I had a mate who was a TEFL teacher. He had people in his class from all over the world- Ecuador, Japan, Spain and so on. One day, for some reason, they all got into discussing the various changes to the climate in their own respective countries. It turned out that everyone, from all different parts of the globe, had noticed major changes in their own lifetime.

The conversation then paused, and everyone just looked at each other with an ‘oh feck’ type of expression… :o

In a way, it don’t bother me- I’m not gonna cheat death, whatever happens. Might as well fry along with the rest of you. If it’s not that, it’ll be cancer… or Chrohn’s disease… or gimmer flu… cat AIDS… spontaneous internal combustion… mauled by zombies… stomped on by Godzilla…

welcome to the blog!

welcome to my thrilling, high-octane blog!

today the black-ops were after me again. they were firing; I ran down this alley, up the fire escape. shots were zinging off the metal. I reached the top of the building- there's a helicopter just taking off- shit, it's Mr Big! he's getting away! quickly I grabbed the rung of the helicopter landing frame; got it with just one hand... the black-ops had reached the roof by then, and they started firing at my dangling, kicking legs- lucky for me they are the bad guys, and we all know what terrible shots they are... I think one of them even had a semi-automatic.

so then the door to the 'copter opens, and one of Mr Big's evil henchmen starts firing down at me with a hand-gun. I do a quick scan of the location, and then do an incredible 1000ft drop straight into the middle of the Thames, where the sub is waiting to take me back to base...


not really, I just poured meself some special brew and watched 'countdown.' 'Ah'll 'ave a conshernant, pleash carol!' *falls out of chair*

Expressive Outlet :-O

Expressive Outlet :-O
Originally uploaded by Wiffle™.

I like this photo from flickr...

mind-viruses; share them here.

let's all get down and share tics.

these are just the things that I caught off other people. thoughts that then invaded my head. and now I am going to share them, and infect everyone here. you are welcome to respond in kind. I need some new ones. also, after mentioning the virus, I'll try to mention who I caught it off, and how long it's bugged me.

'Who's more talented- Lennon or McCartney?' this is a very dull mind-virus that I caught off Nicholson Baker in his book The Mezzanine. The answer's totally obvious, but the thought still bugs me. (that thought has been active for about 20 years.)

'Imagine a pile of all the stuff you've ever eaten off yourself, piled up on a plate. Imagine having to eat that. and then, imagine another plate with a pile of all the stuff you've ever eaten off other people.'
Thanks for that, Jon. I have had that thought at least twice a week for 15 years, and those piles just keep growing.

'I can't eat in front of people.'
This is my friend Jade speaking. I'm thinking, 'what a strange phobia.' a week later, I couldn't either. Cheers Jade! it's been about 15 years.

'I can't watch comedy with other people.'
This is my friend D speaking. again, I'm thinking, 'that's a bit odd.'
he sez, 'It's because, when something funny comes up, you look at the other person in the room, catch their eye, kind of like, to validate that it's funny. but I hate that, I feel really self-conscious about it.'
A week later, I can't watch comedy with another person in the room. That phobia has been active around 6 years. cheers D.

The number 23 doesn't bother me. It's just too... usual. I wanna be sent mad by really off-the-wall stuff. like 'nothing has ever happened- it's all just a dream that God is having.'

This is kinda why I like Tony Parsons (not that Tony Parson's) of the neo-advaita movement. he's like the Sex Pistols of spiritual philosophy- he'll come on stage and say something mad like 'there is no Ramana Maharshi (a spiritual guru) just as there is no hitler,' or, (to his audience) 'there is nobody here. there are no individuals at all.' gives you something to chew on, y'know.

It occurs to me I haven't mentioned any sexual tics. I can't think of any off-hand. but I read a funny one in a comic strip (available in 'paper tiger, the best of') 'Is Ian Krankie straight, gay, or a paedophile?' and then, 'I wonder if they...' cut to picture of them screwing-
Ian Krankie- 'say it!'
Jimmy Krankie- 'fan- dabi- DOZI!'
The writer responsible for that bit of genius is called Jim Burke, ex of the band 'Collapsed Lung.'

thoughts are such strange things. where do they come from, where do they go, where did you come from cotton-eye joe?!

the dole, bees and dodgy trannies

On Saturday I was waitin for my mate in town. He’s a cross-dresser, and I realised, that for the first time in my life, I didn’t know if the person I was waiting for was gonna show up looking like a man or a woman… strange business. Anyway, he come as a man, which was probably for the best, but for some reason, he’s tryin to lure me into the seedy side of the Manchester gay scene “go to the Wellington on a Wednesday evening at midnight; place is full of dodgy trannies…”

“yeah mate, and why on earth would I wanna experience that?! I got all the dodgy trannies I need wi’ you, D******!”

and I just been in the DSS again, new claim, an’ they won’t let me put ‘beekeeper’ as one of my listed desirable occupations… the swines!

(what also strikes me as interesting to mention about the CD- I took notes from our conversation of anything that sounded interesting, and it just reads like a list of madness- 'pink curtains. the vagina fairy. like a person dressed up as a cat, but with really massive eyes.' and so on...)

Blaine's new show?

there is a bus service in manchester that is called 'magic bus'... most of their fleet are really old and falling apart... I fail to see what what's so 'magic' about sitting on a bus that's shaking itself to bits... I don't remember seein that on 'the Paul Daniels Show'... I don't recall David Copperfield ever tryin that one...

David Blaine might tho... 'for my next stunt, I am gonna sit on a crappy old bus in Manchester, that's travelling up to forty miles an hour... and somebody has loosened all the screws just a little bit... and, I won't be chained up, but I will be stuck to the seat with a particularly nasty lump of chewing gum... my object will be to get up and ring the bell before I miss my stop... I'm calling it 'bus or busted.'

producer- 'hey Dave man, that's just awesome! you are literally just like, so... amazing! I reckon we'll put this one out live on primetime...'

bloggery- euw!

well, thanks everyone for your comments. I have a
funny feeling now I have entered the blog world, like
there is something slightly sordid about it. It feels
a bit like being caught masturbating by a stranger- we
know everybody does it, but something about actually
being seen to do it feels wrong. And something about
doing it in Debenham's window feels, well, even
wronger. But, as I explained to the store detective, I
just had to know. Why does a man climb Everest?
because it's there... and if you're anything like me,
so you can masturbate on top of it...

I think I just decided not to share this blog with
family members...

And it feels equally uneasy putting out your odd
thoughts to be digested by goodness knows who. We all
have those strange thoughts like 'who's better, God or
Jesus?', 'I wonder, if I piled up all the bits I've ever
eaten off my body, just how big it would be... and how
sick would I feel looking at it?' and 'if I posted a
helium balloon, would the post office have to pay me,
because one pays by weight?' (thanks to Darren for
that one) but it's not something most of us like to
mention. It's just not British...

scary beings eat themselves!

today I just wanted to post a link to a flickr group that I like- the title is pretty self-explanatory- 'scary beings eating themselves.'

and here's a scary sample pic...

ALEKAZHAM!

this came into my head the other day and made me laugh... i dare anyone to do it (i didn't)

you go up to a automatic sliding door, and as you get to it, shout 'ALEKAZHAM!' like a big-old aladdin genie, and make a big gesture with yr arms of the doors opening, just as they open. and then step thru as if u just commanded the doors to part. funny!

i didn't dare do it- everyone's gonna look at u like u are proper mad, especially if u do it on the way out as well... but i love the idea of a guy going around doing this, and really believing that he's commanding the door to open each time... and no-one dares to tell him otherwise, cos they think he's a nutter...

shopping

It was really hard to find a pair of vegetarian shoes that I liked today... in the end I just bought a couple of large parsnips and hollowed them out myself...

How embarrassin'

I had a most embarrassin' incident this morning... I was in the lift of my block, comin down, and I suddenly started spontaneously making this noise, a bit like a giant alien baby... "OOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOW!"

it was a really interesting noise, so I carried on with it, trying out different mouth shapes...
"OOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOW!"

and then I suddenly realised, too late, that I was on the ground floor, so I cut the noise... but the lift doors are thin, you can hear everything through them...

so I exit the lift, to see a veiled Muslim woman, looking at me with like confusion and a certain amount of worry, perhaps even terror... all I could see was these deep black eyes, lookin at me, tryin to work out exactly what grade of nut I might be... how embarrassin'...

but also really funny, once I got out of the building

I know what I should have done now- made that 'bibble-bibble-bibble' noise that you do moving your finger rapidly over your lips... that would have left her in NO DOUBT as to my status as somebody to be avoided AT ALL COSTS forevermore...

I really relate to Russell Brand's quote that life is just a string of embarrassin' incidents strung together by him talking about those incidents...

This from 19th Feb this year... satire's not dead, it's just not very well...

BRITNEY SHEARED!

Oops, she did it again- troubled pop vixen, Britney Spears,
has just pulled off her most hair-raising stunt- she has chopped off all of her hair.
According to stunned onlookers, the tearful singer, 25,
RAN into the closed salon,
BEGGED the coiffeuse to shave off her raven locks,
and then GRABBED the clippers and gave herself a sheer, number-one buzz-cut.

According to witnesses, Britney also;
*CRIED in her car for twenty minutes
*HID her newly bald noggin under a hoodie
*UMMED AND AHHED about giving her billiard-ball bonce a polish

blah blah blah summary… hair for sale on ebay…
dumped husband by text… rehab… tormented pop princess,
blah blah blah media circus, career tailspin, paris hilton…etc.

ignore the voices! (from oct 06)

I thought I would post a message here, just cos I felt like it. I got used to getting flak for around half of my posts on other messageboards. you can get MB twitch, sometimes, when you forget that you are just chatting, and that people are not neccessarily on the same level of consciousness as you...

my friend equates it with driving- you are going along and you shout 'you fuck off, wanker!' if someone cuts you up, because the vehicle has de-humanised you, and them... same with the net...

yesterday, I was on the bus, and I had a thought like "I wonder if I could freak everyone out by saying out loud 'ignore the voices! don't listen to them! don't do what they say!'..."

and the thought made me laugh out loud, and so everyone probably thought I was a loonie anyway!

there's a lot to be said for car travel- you can act crazy in the privacy of yr own bubble...

first post

a thought occurred to me, to start a blog, compiled of posts that I wrote on other parts of the interweb, that I think are interesting and/or funny, and worth a look for the general reader. Feel free to add whatever you like, comment, or just f*ck around generally