(jotted down into my notepad while havin a veggie korma in rusholme- my treat for the fags that I am not gonna smoke later. *thought- if I said that in the Bronx, would someone assume I had just chosen not to shoot some homosexuals?’*
‘Yeah, I’m a badass, I’m gonna go smoke some fags! I’m gonna pop a cap in your ass!’
*Thought- if I said that at Eton, would someone assume I wished to do something inappropriate with casual headgear? Who knows what they get up to…*
‘Get on with it, dbm!’
Well, I did say it was gonna be random.
Is all this just an experimental anomaly in God’s petri dish?
“In the beginning was the word, & the word was with God, and the Word was God. And God sez, ‘let there be light,’ and there was light. & God saw that it was good.
‘Awesome! High-five! Oh, I haven’t created any beings yet…’ (Genesis, somewhere or other)
That’s God kicking things off there, with a (big) bang…
But pray, when is the grand finale scheduled for? ‘Cos it’s been draggin on for a whole long time now. Has God started something He couldn’t finish? Is God actually Morrissey? ‘The son and the heir of a shyness that is criminally vulgar’? That might explain why He only seems to reveal Himself to the odd lone nutter out in the desert… oh, and Jesus of course, who is in any case, his son.
Of course, God isn’t actually male. Being Oneness, being all things, clearly S/He (from now on replaced by Ze) would have the perfect balance of male and female energies. Which is why mainstream Christianity is such contradictory hogwash. The scriptures have been tampered with again and again, to support the agenda of the ruling elite and the patriarchal system. But I don’t say that to my Christian friends…
‘I ain’t goin’ back down there dad- look what they did to me last time!’
I just had this feeling that ‘God’ is giggling over my shoulder at my ridiculous meanderings- like an ant goin’ up to an elephant and sayin, ‘look at me! I’m really important!’
And the thought occurs- all this exists, all this is happening purely for God’s entertainment. We are all just Hir show…
Why do you crash planets into other planets for yr own amusement?
Oh, I think I know- the cosmic joke- thinking that anything matters…
There is no batter called 'matter,' and it doesn’t matter!
‘deadbee is an unfunny loon.’- nothingnegated (a troll on the messageboard where this was originally posted.)
No, a funny loon, I think. This stuff kills at the annual general gathering of quantum physicists… Stephen Hawking’s literally wetting himself… you should see it…
(I can't finish this korma. I think I have shrunk my stomach through not eating.)
Friday, 4 May 2007
Thursday, 3 May 2007
spamusement!
we here at the dead bee museum really like www.spamusement.com-
"Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"
these are funny... for example, the title of this picture is
"Make Your C*ck A Hammer"
"Poorly-drawn cartoons inspired by actual spam subject lines!"
these are funny... for example, the title of this picture is
"Make Your C*ck A Hammer"
an amusing story about McDonalds
(other burger joints are available... and they're better!
nyer nyer nyer nyer- take that, Ronald McDonald!)
I went in McDonalds in asda the other day. I had just
bought some veggie curry from the store, and needed a
culinary device to help me eat it, whilst sitting
in a field enjoying the sun (my idea of a picnic.)
So I sez to the girl behind the counter, ‘could I have
a spoon, please?’
And she sez, ‘sorry, it’s policy not to give them out
if you haven’t bought anything.’
So I sez, ‘oh’
an I left in a huff.
And then, after ten minutes of swearing,
‘feck McDonalds! feck McDonalds! I am gonna start
like, a million threads on teh internet telling people
not to eat there!’ to myself, the perfect retort suddenly
came to me out of nowhere,
‘I suppose a fork’s out of the question?!’
Bah!
nyer nyer nyer nyer- take that, Ronald McDonald!)
I went in McDonalds in asda the other day. I had just
bought some veggie curry from the store, and needed a
culinary device to help me eat it, whilst sitting
in a field enjoying the sun (my idea of a picnic.)
So I sez to the girl behind the counter, ‘could I have
a spoon, please?’
And she sez, ‘sorry, it’s policy not to give them out
if you haven’t bought anything.’
So I sez, ‘oh’
an I left in a huff.
And then, after ten minutes of swearing,
‘feck McDonalds! feck McDonalds! I am gonna start
like, a million threads on teh internet telling people
not to eat there!’ to myself, the perfect retort suddenly
came to me out of nowhere,
‘I suppose a fork’s out of the question?!’
Bah!
handshakes
I was thinking today about handshakes. it's hard to know what to do these days. in the olden days, there was just the one, and maybe two if you were a mason. you knew what you were gonna get. oh, there was also a third- the politician's handshake, where you use both hands. (this is to decrease the pressure of the other person's squeeze for somebody who has to shake a lot of hands for a living)
these days, you don't know if somebody's gonna want to just bump fists, grab your thumb, do the normal one, or some funky-assed shit involving changes in grip, pressure, height and maybe a high-five on the end... it's mad. half the time, I end up punching someone's thumb. which I guess is like the social equivalent of winning at 'paper, scissors, stone.'
(looking at the shape of these two paragraphs now, they look brilliant- they're almost perfectly balanced)
these days, you don't know if somebody's gonna want to just bump fists, grab your thumb, do the normal one, or some funky-assed shit involving changes in grip, pressure, height and maybe a high-five on the end... it's mad. half the time, I end up punching someone's thumb. which I guess is like the social equivalent of winning at 'paper, scissors, stone.'
(looking at the shape of these two paragraphs now, they look brilliant- they're almost perfectly balanced)
shrugathon
for the last 8 hours, I've been engaging in a 24-hour shrugathon.
since I started the shrugathon, I noticed a few things… one, it’s good shoulder exercise (‘really deadbee?’ *shrug* “dunno…”)
two, it’s difficult to keep up- the various combinations of hand gestures, shoulder movements and facial expressions quickly becomes boring… (‘is that right?’ *shrug* “search me…”)
three- you look weird doin your shopping in asda… (‘are you sure bout that, deadbee?’ *shrug* “I ‘aven’t got a Scooby…”)
my mate Jonathon used to be pissed off that his name meant a sponsored sitting on the lavatory… I must go see Jon, he’s the most interesting guy I know. If I have a good idea, it usually turns out that I’ve subconsciously stolen it off him…
since I started the shrugathon, I noticed a few things… one, it’s good shoulder exercise (‘really deadbee?’ *shrug* “dunno…”)
two, it’s difficult to keep up- the various combinations of hand gestures, shoulder movements and facial expressions quickly becomes boring… (‘is that right?’ *shrug* “search me…”)
three- you look weird doin your shopping in asda… (‘are you sure bout that, deadbee?’ *shrug* “I ‘aven’t got a Scooby…”)
my mate Jonathon used to be pissed off that his name meant a sponsored sitting on the lavatory… I must go see Jon, he’s the most interesting guy I know. If I have a good idea, it usually turns out that I’ve subconsciously stolen it off him…
ASDA- clear shopping bags
Why’ve they done that?! I don’t want everyone knowing I’ve just bought toilet paper, extra-strength pile ointment and ‘special brew.’ >:( (I use that just as an example. I didn’t buy those things. Just the extra-strength pile ointment. No!)
Also I feel like a walking advert for ‘food’- “look at that chap over there- he’s got… ‘food’! I think I might try some of that ‘food’ stuff myself- looks like a right old wheeze!”
So was just thinking this while walking home with my shopping (don’t ask) and literally 3 minutes later this guy comes up to me- black guy, smart suit jacket and a colourful shirt.
He sez, ‘where d’you get those oranges- asda?’
I’m like, ‘yeh.’
‘How come you got so many- they on offer?’
‘No, I just like oranges. I ‘ave ‘em for breakfast’
‘Hey mate, could I maybe have one?’
‘Yeah, sure man’ (I hand the guy an orange from my bag)
*thinks* ‘Great. Now I’m a walking delicatessen.’
Also I feel like a walking advert for ‘food’- “look at that chap over there- he’s got… ‘food’! I think I might try some of that ‘food’ stuff myself- looks like a right old wheeze!”
So was just thinking this while walking home with my shopping (don’t ask) and literally 3 minutes later this guy comes up to me- black guy, smart suit jacket and a colourful shirt.
He sez, ‘where d’you get those oranges- asda?’
I’m like, ‘yeh.’
‘How come you got so many- they on offer?’
‘No, I just like oranges. I ‘ave ‘em for breakfast’
‘Hey mate, could I maybe have one?’
‘Yeah, sure man’ (I hand the guy an orange from my bag)
*thinks* ‘Great. Now I’m a walking delicatessen.’
The hottest April since records began? (in UK)
Great. In a few more years, we’ll all be toastin on gas mark 5…
There’s a back-story to this. I had a mate who was a TEFL teacher. He had people in his class from all over the world- Ecuador, Japan, Spain and so on. One day, for some reason, they all got into discussing the various changes to the climate in their own respective countries. It turned out that everyone, from all different parts of the globe, had noticed major changes in their own lifetime.
The conversation then paused, and everyone just looked at each other with an ‘oh feck’ type of expression… :o
In a way, it don’t bother me- I’m not gonna cheat death, whatever happens. Might as well fry along with the rest of you. If it’s not that, it’ll be cancer… or Chrohn’s disease… or gimmer flu… cat AIDS… spontaneous internal combustion… mauled by zombies… stomped on by Godzilla…
There’s a back-story to this. I had a mate who was a TEFL teacher. He had people in his class from all over the world- Ecuador, Japan, Spain and so on. One day, for some reason, they all got into discussing the various changes to the climate in their own respective countries. It turned out that everyone, from all different parts of the globe, had noticed major changes in their own lifetime.
The conversation then paused, and everyone just looked at each other with an ‘oh feck’ type of expression… :o
In a way, it don’t bother me- I’m not gonna cheat death, whatever happens. Might as well fry along with the rest of you. If it’s not that, it’ll be cancer… or Chrohn’s disease… or gimmer flu… cat AIDS… spontaneous internal combustion… mauled by zombies… stomped on by Godzilla…
welcome to the blog!
welcome to my thrilling, high-octane blog!
today the black-ops were after me again. they were firing; I ran down this alley, up the fire escape. shots were zinging off the metal. I reached the top of the building- there's a helicopter just taking off- shit, it's Mr Big! he's getting away! quickly I grabbed the rung of the helicopter landing frame; got it with just one hand... the black-ops had reached the roof by then, and they started firing at my dangling, kicking legs- lucky for me they are the bad guys, and we all know what terrible shots they are... I think one of them even had a semi-automatic.
so then the door to the 'copter opens, and one of Mr Big's evil henchmen starts firing down at me with a hand-gun. I do a quick scan of the location, and then do an incredible 1000ft drop straight into the middle of the Thames, where the sub is waiting to take me back to base...
not really, I just poured meself some special brew and watched 'countdown.' 'Ah'll 'ave a conshernant, pleash carol!' *falls out of chair*
today the black-ops were after me again. they were firing; I ran down this alley, up the fire escape. shots were zinging off the metal. I reached the top of the building- there's a helicopter just taking off- shit, it's Mr Big! he's getting away! quickly I grabbed the rung of the helicopter landing frame; got it with just one hand... the black-ops had reached the roof by then, and they started firing at my dangling, kicking legs- lucky for me they are the bad guys, and we all know what terrible shots they are... I think one of them even had a semi-automatic.
so then the door to the 'copter opens, and one of Mr Big's evil henchmen starts firing down at me with a hand-gun. I do a quick scan of the location, and then do an incredible 1000ft drop straight into the middle of the Thames, where the sub is waiting to take me back to base...
not really, I just poured meself some special brew and watched 'countdown.' 'Ah'll 'ave a conshernant, pleash carol!' *falls out of chair*
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