bloggery- euw!

well, thanks everyone for your comments. I have a
funny feeling now I have entered the blog world, like
there is something slightly sordid about it. It feels
a bit like being caught masturbating by a stranger- we
know everybody does it, but something about actually
being seen to do it feels wrong. And something about
doing it in Debenham's window feels, well, even
wronger. But, as I explained to the store detective, I
just had to know. Why does a man climb Everest?
because it's there... and if you're anything like me,
so you can masturbate on top of it...

I think I just decided not to share this blog with
family members...

And it feels equally uneasy putting out your odd
thoughts to be digested by goodness knows who. We all
have those strange thoughts like 'who's better, God or
Jesus?', 'I wonder, if I piled up all the bits I've ever
eaten off my body, just how big it would be... and how
sick would I feel looking at it?' and 'if I posted a
helium balloon, would the post office have to pay me,
because one pays by weight?' (thanks to Darren for
that one) but it's not something most of us like to
mention. It's just not British...

scary beings eat themselves!

today I just wanted to post a link to a flickr group that I like- the title is pretty self-explanatory- 'scary beings eating themselves.'

and here's a scary sample pic...

ALEKAZHAM!

this came into my head the other day and made me laugh... i dare anyone to do it (i didn't)

you go up to a automatic sliding door, and as you get to it, shout 'ALEKAZHAM!' like a big-old aladdin genie, and make a big gesture with yr arms of the doors opening, just as they open. and then step thru as if u just commanded the doors to part. funny!

i didn't dare do it- everyone's gonna look at u like u are proper mad, especially if u do it on the way out as well... but i love the idea of a guy going around doing this, and really believing that he's commanding the door to open each time... and no-one dares to tell him otherwise, cos they think he's a nutter...

shopping

It was really hard to find a pair of vegetarian shoes that I liked today... in the end I just bought a couple of large parsnips and hollowed them out myself...

How embarrassin'

I had a most embarrassin' incident this morning... I was in the lift of my block, comin down, and I suddenly started spontaneously making this noise, a bit like a giant alien baby... "OOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOW!"

it was a really interesting noise, so I carried on with it, trying out different mouth shapes...
"OOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOWOOW!"

and then I suddenly realised, too late, that I was on the ground floor, so I cut the noise... but the lift doors are thin, you can hear everything through them...

so I exit the lift, to see a veiled Muslim woman, looking at me with like confusion and a certain amount of worry, perhaps even terror... all I could see was these deep black eyes, lookin at me, tryin to work out exactly what grade of nut I might be... how embarrassin'...

but also really funny, once I got out of the building

I know what I should have done now- made that 'bibble-bibble-bibble' noise that you do moving your finger rapidly over your lips... that would have left her in NO DOUBT as to my status as somebody to be avoided AT ALL COSTS forevermore...

I really relate to Russell Brand's quote that life is just a string of embarrassin' incidents strung together by him talking about those incidents...

This from 19th Feb this year... satire's not dead, it's just not very well...

BRITNEY SHEARED!

Oops, she did it again- troubled pop vixen, Britney Spears,
has just pulled off her most hair-raising stunt- she has chopped off all of her hair.
According to stunned onlookers, the tearful singer, 25,
RAN into the closed salon,
BEGGED the coiffeuse to shave off her raven locks,
and then GRABBED the clippers and gave herself a sheer, number-one buzz-cut.

According to witnesses, Britney also;
*CRIED in her car for twenty minutes
*HID her newly bald noggin under a hoodie
*UMMED AND AHHED about giving her billiard-ball bonce a polish

blah blah blah summary… hair for sale on ebay…
dumped husband by text… rehab… tormented pop princess,
blah blah blah media circus, career tailspin, paris hilton…etc.

ignore the voices! (from oct 06)

I thought I would post a message here, just cos I felt like it. I got used to getting flak for around half of my posts on other messageboards. you can get MB twitch, sometimes, when you forget that you are just chatting, and that people are not neccessarily on the same level of consciousness as you...

my friend equates it with driving- you are going along and you shout 'you fuck off, wanker!' if someone cuts you up, because the vehicle has de-humanised you, and them... same with the net...

yesterday, I was on the bus, and I had a thought like "I wonder if I could freak everyone out by saying out loud 'ignore the voices! don't listen to them! don't do what they say!'..."

and the thought made me laugh out loud, and so everyone probably thought I was a loonie anyway!

there's a lot to be said for car travel- you can act crazy in the privacy of yr own bubble...

first post

a thought occurred to me, to start a blog, compiled of posts that I wrote on other parts of the interweb, that I think are interesting and/or funny, and worth a look for the general reader. Feel free to add whatever you like, comment, or just f*ck around generally